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  • Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’ (@rainnwilson)
  • Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging. (@hotdogladies)
  • Someone at the doctor’s office just pulled a cell phone from between her cleavage. Never before have I wanted a boob job more than I do now. (@dooce)
  • “No. Humans will die out. We’re weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy’s.”(@shitmydadsays)
  • It’s incredible how much stuff I can get done when I have other, more important stuff to get done. (@lonelysandwich)